Getting Into College: A Prize to Be Won, or a Match to Be Made?

   

Getting Into College: A Prize to Be Won, or a Match to Be Made? 

 

 

The Torah Readings on the two days of Rosh HaShana present Abraham-the-parent in two very different ways. In the first day’s reading Abraham’s wife Sarah pushes him to drive away Ishmael (and his mother Hagar) because Sarah feels Ishmael will be a bad influence on their son Isaac.  Abraham delays sending them away because his love for Ishmael blinds him to the boy’s faults. The second day’s reading is the “Akeidah” - the “binding” of Isaac. God tells Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac, the child born of his true love Sarah, the son God promises will take over for Abraham.  In this story, Abraham is so eager to carry out God’s command, he appears blind to the feelings of his son, and unaware that Isaac’s death would be the end the nascent Jewish People. 

  

As parents, we are often caught in a struggle between our overwhelming love for our children and our “agendas” for them. On the one hand, we love them unconditionally and want them to be happy and safe; on the other hand, we would love for them to be successful in ways that bring them (and us) recognition. Sometimes we are guided by how others define success, at other times we are better at listening to our children and letting them guide us. Like Abraham, our love and our beliefs can blind us when it comes to our children. 

  

In the past few weeks, as the thin and fat admissions envelopes (and, now, emails) arrive, the ongoing critiques about the college admissions process yet again take center stage, as well as the newer debate about the return-on-investment of a college degree. 

  

In her book, The Overachievers, Alexandra Robbins points out that the most popular college rankings (US World & News, etc.) are not only based on irrelevant and often fraudulent information, they have turned the high school years into four years of “strategizing” instead of learning. Students push themselves into activities they don’t care about, they over-extend themselves in test preparation courses and honors classes, and they punish their bodies through sleep deprivation, caffeine pills and unrelenting anxiety, all in an effort to “package” themselves for the top schools.  She points out that the ranking system does not focus on the quality of the educational experience in these top-tier schools, just their perceived “elite” status. Even worse, this race to the top may not even yield results: research has shown almost no correlation between attendance at elite schools and future job success or salary.  

  

Several years ago Marilee Jones, former Dean of Admissions at MIT reported that the quest for perfection was "making our children sick” citing increasing numbers of “ulcers, anxiety disorders and control disorders such as cutting and anorexia.” Dean Jones said that the competition for these top schools was draining the fun out of life for high school students. MIT faculty told her that when these students reach college they “just weren’t much fun to teach.” 

  

So how do we, as parents, find the right balance for the children whose souls we know and treasure with the agendas and definitions of success floating around the marketplace? What are the Jewish values and strategies we have to bring to bear on our work with children?  

  

  • One important value is the love of learning for its own sake.   

  • A crucial Jewish belief is that children are unique, special and wonderful. 

  • One strategy we can use is to encourage children to be “genuine” and “authentic” by truly listening to them and showing them that we value them for who they are and for what makes them glow. Showing disappointment in a child who is not developing along the “Harvard path” teaches him/her to overvalue the approval of others while extinguishing the flame inside.  

  • Another strategy we can use is to encourage children to grow through meaningful experiences that genuinely interest them and help them develop. Colleges want to see students who have a passion for a cause or an activity, not an endless roster of short-lived commitments.  

As parents (and educators), we need to look beyond ourselves so that we can see the best in our children and our students. We must encourage them to be their best, however that plays out. As the high school college advisor told us when our daughters were looking at colleges: getting into a school wasn't a prize to be won, but a match to be made. And in some cases, choosing not to go to college at all is also the right path. 

  

Hanokh la'na'ar al pi darko - educate the child according to his/her path....and then be proud of them! 

  

  

 

Rabbi Jim Rogozen 

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