Tea and Empathy - Turning Towards Normal in our Day Schools

In a season 6 episode of the TV show M*A*S*H (Tea and Empathy) a British officer (Major Ross) visits his wounded soldiers in the hospital, telling them they are needed back in the war. He loudly criticizes the doctors for “molly-coddling” his men, and insists they are ready to get back to the fighting. Later in the episode he returns and the doctors see him listening while his smiling soldiers read letters from home. When asked about his change in approach, Major Ross explains:  “If I come in here breathing fire they realize they’re going to be all right….my men know I wouldn’t shout at them unless they knew I expected them to get well.  They believed it because I believed it.”

Before COVID, schools addressed classroom management issues using a variety of approaches, based on their understanding of children and how they function in school settings. Whether it was the way classroom culture and learning were constructed, or by understanding individual student strengths, learning styles and challenges, or by establishing certain protocols and responses, behavior issues were seen as something derived from, and addressed within, the school/home ecosystem.

COVID changed that. It began as an external phenomenon, but it quickly altered the routines of everyone connected to the school/home ecosystem. COVID’s impact has been profound and will be long-lasting; it will take a while to disentangle ourselves from its impact. With students back in school, teachers continue to notice one such legacy of the past 22 months: student behavior and maturity has degraded.  Not only are behavior/self-regulation issues rampant, but teachers are worn down from dealing with this challenge, on top of other stressors, including the sense that many parents have less bandwidth to deal with their children. The combination of vaccine adoption and less restrictive masking requirements offer an opportunity to transition to a new “normal” by, among other things, addressing these behavior issues.

If you are looking for suggestions about how to address this challenge – read on! If you are already addressing this – great! The following may offer additional ways to accomplish your goals.

Step One:  The title of the M*A*S*H episode gives us a hint as to how to proceed. The show’s title is a play on an old British saying that the way to care for someone who is upset is to give them “some tea and sympathy.” Rather than just sharing another person’s feelings (sympathy), empathy is the ability to understand their feelings.

If we want to change the way students manage themselves and relate to others in school, we need to understand what is true and real about kids right now. What’s true is that students’ anxieties and fears are real and legitimate; their lack of socialization for 20+ months was real; family-related issues due to COVID are real and persist, as does the dysregulation that comes from sustained trauma. But that’s not the whole story.

Let’s remember something else that is real: children consciously and subconsciously navigate their lives based on a variety of needs, as well as how they see those around them. They are very perceptive and attuned to the way people treat them. They see themselves through the eyes of their teachers and parents. If all we talk about is how “kids are suffering” or “kids are out of control” we do them a disservice. If we are honest in acknowledging their challenges (anxieties, fears, trauma, etc.), and let them know that they are going to be okay, that there is hope, that life will get better, they will respond in kind.

Step Two:  If we want to improve life in schools – for students, teachers, and administrators – we need to cautiously raise behavioral expectations for students, and create structures for them. If we consistently follow classroom rules and procedures (which should be accompanied by reassurances that we know they can rise to the occasion), and if we judiciously implement some of the rules we had in place pre-COVID, students will internalize the stability, they will see that things are, indeed, getting back to normal.

Kids are smart. If they see the cracks in a teacher’s adherence to, and enforcement of, classroom routines and guidelines, they will take advantage of them. But they will also wonder why teachers are letting them take advantage of them. But if the teachers and administrators in their lives are fair and firm, students will get the message that they can handle “real” school again.  They will, in turn, appreciate the calm that comes from structure and predictable routines in the classroom. As a result, teachers will be less stressed, and there will be an ongoing positive feedback loop for all.

Step Three:  Administrators must commit, up front, to support teachers by enforcing rules, procedures, school responses, actions, and consequences (which don’t have to be punitive),  and then do that, consistently. This is a difficult “ask” of administrators. They are the ones who have to ensure that all relevant staff members (as well as outside professionals) are working together to improve the situation, that everyone understands each child’s needs and is employing agreed-upon strategies. Administrators are also the ones who will interface with parents to discuss a student’s progress (or lack thereof), and decide on next steps. Needless to say, the Head of School has to back up his/her administrators and teachers. Books on leadership stance, conducting difficult conversations, and changing school culture could come in handy. The key is to balance sympathy and empathy with the rate of progress a school hopes to achieve.

Step Four:  The Head of School and administrators must communicate with students and parents, letting them know that the school is purposefully putting certain rules back in place:  the reasons for doing it, what it will look like, and how parents can partner with the school.  The message to get across is about improving everyone’s experience of school and, when needed, finding resources to support students who are struggling.

Unlike Major Ross, who was dealing with adults who sustained physical injuries, we are dealing with children whose “injuries” cannot be “fixed” with surgeries or splints. Our students need empathy, understanding, and personalized attention. They also need the structure in which to heal and move forward. So, too, teachers need support and care, and a structure (and administrators) upon whom they can rely.  Putting such a plan into place requires input from teachers and a lot of extra energy – at a time when it’s already scarce.

Major Ross was right about one thing: among all of the things we need to be doing, we have to act “as if” those in our care will, eventually, be okay. They’ll believe it if we believe it…and act on it.

Rabbi Jim Rogozen